Monday, 24 October 2011

Q: Am I suffering from CRS Syndrome???

A: YES - CRS Syndrome otherwise known as Can't Remember Shit

So I always thought that goldfish had a 3 second memory span but apparently it's more like three months. My memory is absolutely shocking right now and getting worse. 

I don't remember baby brain being nearly this bad with the R Man. Macca is over six months now and I feel like I am in either in a comedy movie, a nut house or the twilight zone. If you were to ask me which movie I was in, without a doubt I am Dori from Finding Nemo and the three second memory is true.

The similarities are just scary right now...

So far in he last  24hrs hours these are a just a few examples:

1.  From the bottom to the top of the stairs I forgot to set the alarm to remind me to turn of the sprinkler. Remembered after two hours and a 1/4 of the water tank later.

2. Asked a visiting friend if she wanted a cup of tea, put the tea bag in cup and that's it. Found the cup a few hours later with fresh tea bag in it next to the kettle. 

3. A friend's 4 yr old asked me "can i please watch Mr Maker" Moi "of course just let me finish filling in this form".  I turned around 3 seconds later, 4 yr old is still there and I ask him "what can I do for you". He looked at me like a complete freak "arhhh put on Mister Maker". I'm sure he was thinking what's up with this chick.

4. Went to supermarket, when I got there realized I forgotten what I wanted and tried to remember. Forgot about the shopping list in my bag I had written just before leaving home and only got 2 out of 10 things on it.

5. Finally straw was this morning, from the toilet to bathroom (all of two meters) I forgot I was going in there to get a tampon.  Won't even tell you how that one ended a little bit later...

Yep... this is defiantly me right now.
If I think to hard I start to freak myself out and stress that I have some early onset degenerative dementia or something like that but the thought soon passes and is forgotten. Imagine if I was back at work, it would just be embarrassing, not to mention professionally dangerous.

Much prettier don't forget
Lists are my savior right now, I don't just have 'to do' lists, I have a 'must remember' lists. My iphone has been a god send and probably kept me sane. I have the alarm set for morning and night to remind me to take my happy pills once in the day and even then I forget.

Worst of all I can't win an argument with my husband which frustrates me to no end.  He always has the trump card "well we both know what your memories like right now". At the time I am adamant I am right or remember, only to be proved wrong or find the missing object wherever I last left it and forgot.

Maybe a few memory games would help train the brain. Please save me from anymore Dora or Toy Story memory games, I think too much of those have put my brain to sleep. 

Maybe making these could keep me busy and a little more enthused. If I could just remember to do them. 

I just love these from the talented Shaunayounge
What a great use for left over fabrics from Sayyestohbok

I'm back to work in January so the baby brain better go before then or I'm in big trouble. Is this normal or what..... What's your most embarrassing or unbelievable baby brain moment?

So here's cheers to saying goodbye to the baby brain that has invaded my head!!!

Cheers Carla

In case you were wondering how I remembered everything to put in the post. I had a fleeting lucid moment when I found the shopping list and wrote it all down before in my note pad.

Sunday, 23 October 2011

Fleeting moment of domesblissity..

Today is the last day of a pleasurable 5 day solo mission.  Usually by the end I am so sick of hearing my own voice yelling and my little boy whingeing but for some reason this time was different. 

Before I had Reilly I believed I was going to be a domestic goddess, cross happy chirpy kindy teacher rolled into one. Once I had Reilly I was devastated to realize I wasn't made to be a stay at home mum  and my visions of domestblissity were shattered. I am a better mum when I am working and being a mum.

 I had a moment on Saturday morning when I thought, awwwhhhh this is what I thought all of motherhood would be like. It was great, we were all laughing, there was no yelling, no whingeing and it stayed that way all morning. We made a paint string painting on a canvas (how mister maker is that - 10 points to me). Here are some pics of my fleeting moments of domesblissity, it doesn't happen all that often here so if you blink you might miss it. 

So here's cheers to the treasured moment's of domesblissity and making the most of them.

Cheers Carla

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

Virgin blogger...

Oh my goodness, I never new this world existed. So I have looked at one or two blogs for a few years but didn't really get how it worked.  It started with a friends blog Mondocherry. This is about their amazing fabric and paper work, their loves and family. Initially it was a good way to see what JJ was up to and how her family was growing because we lived in different countries.

My entry to the blog world...
From their I found one or two more blogs I liked and kept watching them, occasionally finding another one. Through this I found the world of party design and loved it. Again didn't really get how it worked and twitter was a celebrity thing I had no interest in.  I just looked at the blogs, bought their amazing products off etsy and dreamed of having their talent. These are the main ones I follow and I love.

I love these girls.. don't know how they do it...
Wish I had a quarter of her talent...
 Most amazing and inspiring woman, mum, wife, survivor.
Home grown Aussie goodness.
My experience of motherhood has been a roller coaster to say the least. I used to look at everyone else and think they have it all together, why is it so hard for me?. I struggled with post natal depression for the first year and an ego centric. My husband and I have very different childhoods so finding the middle ground was another struggle. Combine these factors and the stress on our marriage was immense.

I am sort of a what you see is what you get person. I don't have a problem with self disclosure if I trust you, I can have a good laugh at myself and any mistakes I make along the way. As my mummy friendships developed, I slowly aired my dirty laundry. I soon realized through the honesty of friends we were all just doing a really good at faking the illusion of perfection and coping, some much better than others.

dirty washing

Jen and I have spent many a cuppa laughing about the great things in our lives, the things which we struggle with and the illusion of motherhood. From this we thought we would have a crack at a blog about both sides of motherhood and the things we hide in the closet that can make us feel a failure and alone. I know for myself, knowing I am not the only one makes me better and normal.

Enter moi, the Virgin Blogger.  Jen is a little more experienced at the blog thing with Beautiful Creationsit is a fashion, lifestyle blog for her online store Shimi.  So we started this blog and I entered the world of Twitter.  Low and behold there is a whole community of mum's sharing their not so perfect love. I love it, I love it , I love it. I only wish I had found this in the depths of my depression and struggle with motherhood over that first year. I think it would have been a great benefit, a place to vent and be told I was not so abnormal.

It may take a little while to get the public self disclosure mojo happening but I'll get there. So here I am bare and unedited joining the mummy blogging ranks. I hope my trials and tribulations bring others some laughter, joy and more than anything the feeling of normality.

Here's cheers to keeping it real and losing the blogging V plates.

Cheers Carla

Monday, 17 October 2011

What works and what doesn't work

I just used this piccy in another blog, but I love it so much I must use it again.

Maybe it has touched me so much because I at the moment feel like I could do a Karen Walker (Will & Grace) and skull half a bottle of Vodka no probs at the moment, and I am not a drinker.

Saturday, after being up from 6.30 cooking for the husbands family for a party that night I managed to get blamed for a whole myriad of problems by husband - the most serious of them being that we HAD NO COLD MILK.  That presented a tirade of sighs and "I can't believe it" and "why wouldn't you".  Finishing with "I'm not Angry" (to which I answers, "you shouldn't be"), "you made a mistake".  Huh??  Milk, we are talking about Milk here.....  

To be fair he is having a very hard time at work, however why does that need to then mean that we get a very hard time at home?  In my house it is not "Happy Wife, Happy Life", it is "Happy Husband, Happy Life".   And as he is not happy at the moment, why should anyone else be.  But when he is good, he is awesome!!!

So I am dealing with the husband be an old grump, plus trying to teach the two older ones that being angry doesn't achieve anything.  We have had weeks of sibling fighting and no matter how calmly I talk to them about it, it doesn't change.  No matter how loud I yell at them, it doesn't change.

Charley being as charming as ever....

So I am now BRIBING.  The best invention to serve the parent.  Good behaviour ALL day, and they receive a Fizz Whizz (provided there is some left after my long days).  5 consecutive days of good behaviour and we have a trip to the toy store.  And guess what....


Friends again, even if it is for the love of sugar

I have only given out one packet of Fizz Whizz each in the last week, however good behaviour has increased 10 fold and yesterday was our first day with no fights.

Now, what can I bribe the husband with????


Sunday, 16 October 2011

Long haul friendships

Finally this solo mission is over and Mr C is back later this morning. It feels like it has been a long week but at least it ended on a high with a great day yesterday. I get to finish the week off with a party tonight for one of my oldest friends KK. It's a Half way to 70, Wigs or Hat party. My legend of a mum is looking after my boys, Mr C will be knackered when he gets in from LA and will more than likely just stay at home. Waaawhooo, this means I will have the night completely to myself. I have missed you dearly my love but a night all to myself, none of my boys hanging of me at all, completely fancy free, vino in hand, sounds like bliss.

Now for a wig or hat, think I'll go hat. I'm not really a hat person so my selection is somewhat limited. I have a few old race day hats around the place. Sadly I have buckleys chance of fitting into the race day dresses they used to go with and the hats now live in the boys dress up box,. I do hope they aren't covered in too much food or paint. Oh how life has changed. 

Modern Millie
This one is a little scary.
This is my favorite
I don't know about others but the number of friendships I have been able to maintain since mummyhood  has diminished somewhat.  This is for varying reasons, most of all is being able to find the time.  I miss just hanging out with friends without being only half present in the conversation. You know when half of you is always keeping an eye on the kids, worrying where my child is, what is he doing, he needs to be fed, damn he's making a mess, how to i distract him, just let me have my cup of tea ect. Yes I was one of those deluded career/party women who thought a baby wouldn't change my life too much. Blahh Haah good on you Carla, everything changes.

Some of my pre mummy friendship will never be the same and that's all right. I can't go out partying till 2 in the morning anymore or hang out at the pub on a Sunday afternoon. Even if I could, I couldn't handle the following day with a hang over and hurricane Reilly. That's not to say your not friends anymore, it's just you catch up on life events rather sharing them. I've made wonderful new friends in the realm of mummyhood. The first six months or so was connecting with other mothers, from this you identify those you really connect with and would be friends even without kids, those are the friendship that have flourished.

Then there are those old friendships where time and distance make no difference. The long haul friends that no matter how long it has been you talk to them like it was yesterday and you can bear your soul or cry with ease. Without doubt that is my friend Kirsty or KK as Reilly likes to call her. We meet when we were in Grade 8, in our first year of high school. Scarily that's over 20 years ago now. There is a cassette tape somewhere out there of KK  and I aged 12 singing at the top of our lungs. The hits at the time were "The dogs are talking" by the Angels, "All I want to do is make love to you" by Heart and other fabulous 80's tunes. Hopefully that cassette will never see the light of day again.

KK is without doubt one of my most treasured friend. Over the years we have gone in our own directions, developed different friendship groups,  spent separate periods of time overseas and overall have very different lives. KK is fancy free, making the most it, staying out late, partying hard, dining out regularly and generally doing what she wants when she wants. You know all the things you miss. Whereas I am just little miss boredom in comparison. One of KK's biggest and best attributes is her loyalty.  Since we came back to Oz she has come round to dinner regularly and stayed when James is away. I so very much appreciate the effort she makes and the ability to just hang out together. I wish I could go to her more often and just hang with her but two kids and a husband in tow make the time few and far between. KK is a keeper, never offended if I drop of the radar for a while, always up for anything always there for special events and has a heart of gold. Happy Birthday KK you deserve a wonderful night and year to follow.

KK and skinny me at her birthday 3 years ago.
So here's cheers to the long haul friendships and a good night out.

Cheers Carla

Thursday, 13 October 2011

The wonder of happy pills...

Me yesterday...
Yesterday was a shocker and I mean a SHOCKER. It was one of those days, if I said it was white Reilly argued it was pink and purple polka dots until he got his way, urrrggghhh. Mind you the day wasn't helped by my fragile state of mind and noble attempt to count down the happy pills (anti depressants). You know when you feel like your just about to really loose it, that surge and then you pull back. That's what I felt like all day and my poor little man had one snappy scrappy mother. Needless to say we bounced of each other and Reilly escalated as the day progressed, it was not pretty. Happy pills you are my friend and my enemy...

For those who don't know, I had quite bad post natal depression immediately after the birth of Reilly for about a year, that was nearly four years ago now. Since then I have had more than a few ups and downs. Post Natal Depression is an insidious bastard, it stole the first few months of precious moments with Reilly from all of us. In addition it also nearly destroyed my marriage. On the up over time it has  but taught me allot about myself and made me stronger. I am no longer embarrassed or ashamed and make no secret of my depression  or the importance of my happy pills (medication) in keeping me on the up.

Anyone who has been there knows how horrible post natal depression can be. How deep and dark the big hole is you fall down and how powerless and paralyzed you feel to do anything to get out of that hole.  The closer we got to Macca's birth at the start of the year, the more worried my husband and i got that I would go post natal again. I was determined I was not going back there.  Obviously when I found out I was up the duff I went back to check my med's with the psych. In an attempt to be proactive I went to the Post Natal Depression course at the Private Psych Hospital. Sharing and listening to others journey is incredibly powerful and normalizing. It was all a little overwhelming and took me back to some uncomfortable memories but gained a heaps of new skills that help me today. After Macca's  birth, with the support of my Psych I pumped the happy pills up and a little more and a little more. Thankfully No deep dark hole this time... touch wood....

Me and Macca
The Mac man is six months old next week and I have survived so far. I have kept my sanity for the most part and been able to enjoy both of my boys. So I figure it is time to ween of the happy pills a little. Don't get me wrong I have no problem taking the medication and if it was a choice between taking it or becoming unwell again I would happily take them the rest of my life. But I would like to get off them one day and be able to manage the depression through "good" thoughts, good diet and exercise, so I figure reducing my dose is a good place to start. Unfortunately I am still working on the exercise and diet.
I must, I must, I will, I will..
So two weeks have passed on 1.5 not 2 happy pills once a day and boy have I noticed it some days. Poor Mr C used to be my emotional and verbal whipping boy when I was unwell. I am by no means unwell right now but I have been reminded of some of those old feelings and frustration lately. Mr C will do something insignificant that shits me and inside I just erupt and sometimes comes out with a foul look, a snide comment or a profanity. Sadly Reilly has copped one or two of the explosions as well, on a bad day when he's being challenging (like any 3 1/2 year old) it can all go down hill quick. Or there are the blaahhh moments where I feel as flat as a tack and like all emotion has left my body. When I have these moments I have a giggle to myself at my ability to fake it, I hear my voice all upbeat talking to the kids but inside there is nothing for that bit of time.  On the upside the eruptions and catatonic states are getting few and far between and I am able to control myself better when they do. I pat myself on the back for that, good girl Carla, good girl.

As I sit here typing I realize how happy I am right now and that life is good bla bla bla. I'm not ready to give up the happy pills just yet, will just keep trucking along and enjoy the daycare days.

Life is good
Here's cheers to happy pills and getting the exercise going next....

Cheers Carla

I am no expert on the subject but if you are a new mum feeling more than just blue, like shit, crying at nothing, erupting like an Iceland volcano and generally not getting over being pissed at the world or in my case feeling nothing about the world or new baby. These are my tips based on my journey:

1. Don't ignore it the hole just gets bigger.

2. If you can't talk to your partner, family or a friend, breakdown to your doctor they are a good place to start and they can medicate.

3. Give yourself a break and lower your expectations of yourself, they are probably far to high. Nobody is perfect, some are just really good at faking it.

4. The shower is the best place to cry, no one has to know, no one has to see and your eyes don't get so puffy.

5. Remember you are not alone. I was amazed when I started to talk about my depressions (drip by drip), how many other mums we in the same or similar boat. I never ever would have thought it because they presented so well.

6. Don't let the shame, guilt and feelings of failure eat you up inside, it's the most destructive part of the illness. Even though it doesn't feel like it there are 10's of 1000's of mums just like you out there, you just have to find one or two good ones and you will start to feel a little more normal.....

Monday, 10 October 2011

Well last night really sucked.....

I sit here in the half dark, half awake, listening to the birds chirp as the sun starts to creep up.  First night of 5 days solo and it sucked. Reilly came running in about 2am upset, so up he climbed into bed. Then from just after 2am Mackenzie was grizzling and crying. Tried patting, tried soothing, changed nappy, tried bottle, nuda... Let him wail for a while and nuda. After a game of to and fro in my head, do I give into the little bugger, but what if he is sick, but what if he is playing me, you are a heartless mother, what if picking him up he wins, the books say stay strong, can I bothered.  Let him cry some more and then there were three in the bed.

This could be me or Maca last night.
It took him ages to settle snuggled up to me in bed so that makes me think there is something wrong and it wasn't just him playing me. Good mother, good mum.. My throat has been throbbing the last few days and still is so I hope this isn't the start of another round of the lurgy in this house. If it is, at least Mr C is away so we won't have to deal with the man flu as well. With the amount of sleep I just had that would do my head in. Don't you love how when a man gets the flu the whole world is meant to stop, they are the sickest person in the world, they just have to have (in their head) TLC and the performance that goes on, "cough cough, i feel sick, cough cough, poor me, can't to anything (unless its for me), cough cough puppy dog face. Please, I don't know about your house but 'mum flu' doesn't even rate a mention in this house. I just plod along, nothing changes, no extra sleep in for me, no you stay in bed and I'll deal with the kids, no you just rest for the day. When was the last time you got to take a day off from being a mum to lie in bed all day with the lurgy? This is just me starting to dream of going back to bed and lying there all day. Not going to to happen....

My bed this morning
So cute

On the upside the monkeys are now fast alseep and the sun is up. It's that beautiful quite, still, part of the day when all you can here are the birds chirping, the air is crisp and the world hasn't gotten up yet. Nahhhh I'd rather be sleeping .

Here's cheers to the lurgy passing right over this house and some sleep tonight...

Cheers Carla